ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
