so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful