the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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