its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
