I wish my penis had an off switch
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
