I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
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We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
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I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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