Your face is a jimmy john
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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