You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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