That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
