There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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