My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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