I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize