I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
