woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
