So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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