You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
