I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.