I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
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Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
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I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.