The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy