she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
