peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
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She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
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I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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