EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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