it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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