the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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