i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
