Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
