Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
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woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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