Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
