We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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