my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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