It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
