from now on my penis is your penis
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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