if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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