We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
