I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
