My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
