he puts the penis in happiness.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
being pregnant is like rehab
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
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He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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