I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
