saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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