her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
