I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Oh god it's open bar.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
