dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
