Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
