why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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