My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Randomize
