Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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