my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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