His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
