Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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