If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
3pm strippers are depressing
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm like, not good at living.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
