I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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