I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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