dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
