She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
