Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
