If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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