Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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