I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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