I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
